Death note In a nutshell 8D
by devilangel123
Summary: Two sugar addicted fangirls are left to decide the fate of the death note characters... how will that go? So... looking for utterly random crack? This is for you!
1. Deathnoted

_A/N: Hello fellow internet peoples, we decided to brief you on the national security, -clears throat- ahem, GIANT FLYING JELLYFISH HAVE BEEN SPOTTED IN NEW YORK CITY! IF THIS ISN'T NEWS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! They seem to be attacking all personnel carrying spearmint gum and orange tick tacks in their purse and/or pockets... __**WALLETS DON'T COUNT**__! They are impervious to the leather and many folds... Leather bags don't count either... That is all... We shall keep you updated..._

_Well anyways, on to the real authors' note... I don't even know what to say... Giant flying jellyfish... holy crap, thank twinkles I don't live in New York City... Seriously... Oo_

_Okay, the real, real, REAL authors' note... This is... a crack story beyond the depths of normal levels of crack... Seriously, this is based off of one of the other fics I have been writing with Neko-mushin... Although her name reminds me of a cat smothered with liquidly marshmallows... –bites ear off gummy bear- _

_So this is a crack filled Death Note thing, we have decided to write for the pure goodness of crack... That is all, no special reason for writing this... I w__as bored... shut up... anyways... Review, read, flame, I don't really care... Do whatever... GO NUTS! 8D_

**Chapter 1**

Yagami Raito was out for a nice stroll in a park. His shimmering auburn hair billowed in the wind, as he nonchalantly pushed it back with his hand. His acute hearing heard two 'squeals' in the background. He froze, and turned his honey glazed eyes toward the commotion. There, behind him, were two girls, with... hairy brown caterpillars on their upper lips. Oo

What happens next? Find out next time on... Digimon! Digital Monsters!... Wait no... Wrong title... The Superfriends! ...Damn it, I got it wrong again didn't I? Oh well...

–dances with the digimon theme song in the background-

And now to escape! –devilangel123 and neko-mushin skip away from angry mob of fangirls-

_A/N: ...Review? ... If you wanna, I mean... Who knows... Thought you wanna, go out later? Wanna catch a movie or something... I'll buy the popcorn, I mean ah, di... LOOK A DISTRACTION! –author runs away-_


	2. The real reason Part 1

_**NEWS NOTES**__: -cloaked figure emerges from the darkness- "Hello everyone... We meet again..." _

_-Another figure, dressed in a huge trench coat, big ass hat and black shades emerges from the opposite side of the alleyway and approaches the cloaked figure- _

"_Wanna buy a watch?" -He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at the cloaked figure-_

_-The cloaked figure takes step back- "Uh... No... Now go away! I'm trying to do something!" –turns away-_

_-Trenchcoat man looks down and back up, starts grinning- "Aw... They're high quality...!" –shakes coat which causes it to jingle multiple tunes-_

_-cloaked figure growls- "I don't care. Go away! Can't you see I'm trying to warn the unsuspecting public?" –gestures towards screen-_

"_...No, will please buy a watch? I'm so starved, I beat up that hobo back there." _

_-awkward silence between two figures-_

_-cloaked figure sighs, exasperated- "Fine, how much?" –whips out wallet-_

"_...How much you got?" –humming sound approaches in the background- (foreshadow) 8D_

_-cloaked figure looks down- "Uh, two cents, a nickel and a stick of spearmint gum..."_

"_I'll take it!" –grabs 'valuable' items, flings watch at cloaked figure, smacks him in the face causing him to fly backwards unconscious-_

"_Yes! Score!" –goes to open up spearmint gum when suddenly a big, slimy, sticky tentacle wraps itself around the trenchcoat guys' torso-_

_-starts to scream- "RAPE! RAPE! HIGH QUALITY TENTACLE RAPE!" _

_-tentacle drops him, and snatches the gum and flies away, humming 'Hollaback Girl"-_

_-trenchcoat man on ground raises his trenchcoat weakly- "Wanna... buy... a ... watch?" –passes out-_

_A/N (for real): Okay peoples... thanks for the reviews... Really appreciate it... Really, a lot... Okay then... This chapter focuses on how L got to sit in the position he that he does... Have fun! 8B_

CHAPTER 2

On a dark and stormy night in the Wammy house, the little orphans of Wammy's facilities gathered around in the playroom. (_A/N: And if you've read Her Sweetness' story 'Pais Philos' then, no, it's not **that **playroom... freaky_) Anyways, L sat on a scarlet red armchair discussing important matters and what was the best approach to becoming a detective. He was halfway through his Los Angeles Case story when suddenly some little _'arrogant' -devilangel123 growls, spit flying everywhere- _brat interrupts, "WHY DO YOU SIT THAT WAY? ARE YOU A FREAK?" His high pitched little voice echoed throughout the room, causing all of the other, 'orphans' to simultaneously grumble out, "Ooooooooo..."

Suddenly a blond haired, blue eyed chocoholic stood up, "NO, YOU'RE THE FREAK!" He earned a, "Wow, that was such an amazing come back Mello..." From his goggled friend. -_devilangel123 throws confetti_-

The blond whips around to him and smacks him over the head, "Shut up Matt!"

"And I just got owned..." He sank back down into the sea of orphans all the while rubbing his head.

Mello glares, "Get back here! I'm done with you yet!" He was about to dive in when a loud, "SILENCE!!" Rang throughout the room.

Everyone's eyes widened as they looked up, only to see L sitting there nonchalantly sipping out of a cup of tea.

He sets the tea down and panda-like eyes ran over the top of each orphans' heads.

"Do you want to know why I sit like this?" He cocked his head side with a bored expression.

They all nodded their heads innocently, which received a sigh from the elder man.

"Okay, I'm going to start the story, there will be sugar involved..."

Everyone's eyes widened, and excited gasps were heard around the room.

"Hey, that guy just said sugar!" A random voice was heard in the background.

"Yeah, but how are we gonna come up with new parody ideas if he keeps talking?" Another random voice answered back.

L looked up, picked up a brick and flung it clear across the room. It nailed Neko-mushin in the face, knocking her out cold. Devilangel123 runs out and grabs her feet dragging her away, while muttering, "This won't be the last time you see us!!" And they disappear behind the background of nothingness.

"Yes it is..." L drawled, bored.

There was a pause and a, "Touche!" Heard behind the wall.

L cleared his throat, "Well, it all started when..."

_Flashback_

_Little tiny Lawliet sat in the middle of the room staring out of the window. He was plotting evil... again... Yes, everyones' beloved L was a conniving evil little brat..._

_And Watari was just like Roger... Only cooler... (A/N: 8D) He had the cool sports cars, fresh cool minted breath, silky brown hair, and was surrounded by bishoujos of every kind. _

_But all of that was taken away when he invested his life savings into genius little orphans who cornered him in an alleyway and forced him to help them make a home in which they could all live in and so it could also be a safe house for all of the smuggled sweets that came from the black sugar market. They knew the man was good natured and willing to help. So, he helped them all out of the goodness of his heart. That was when things went horribly wrong._

_His once soft, shiny hair, that women would fawn over, turned coarse and white. He developed wrinkles and was bankrupt by day two of tending to the orphans. His car had to be traded in for a one thousand, three hundred and ninety-two tricycles. All a horrible, gaudy lemony color. ... Except for one... which had to be charcoal black which belonged to the most ruthless of all orphans in history... L Lawliet._

_Now as explained before, L was staring outside of the window, right at his beloved tricycle. Now, L wasn't always the spoiled, cynical monster he is today. For on this day, something terrible would happen that would mentally, emotionally and physically scar for him for life. As he was admiring his crush from afar, a giant, pale yellow, emergency card colored truck rushed by with a large, "Vrooooom!" Ultimately flattening the tricycle. _

_Now, for those of you, smart and intelligent fun wrecking people, who are wondering as to why in the barnacles he was scarred physically, it was because the handle bar careened off of the bike and was sent flying 5 meters into the air before crashing through the window and bouncing off the poor soul's nose! (neko-mushin and devilangel123 scream in the background)_

_And for you fangirls who are wondering if anything drastic had happened to the insomniac, sugar filled boy. No, he was not hurt, and had no permanent scar on his face. But none the less! He was hurt physically, shut up, you lose, now enjoy. D8_

_Later that day, the Yagami family had decided to take a family vacation to Europe... Or England... Or possibly Australia, we didn't know..._

_Mr. and Mrs. Yagami along with little tiny brunette Raito-chan, who was still drop dead sexy as a child, wandered down the hall observing the orphans and how they behaved in class. _

"_Now Raito," Mrs. Yagami looked down to her son with a bright, chipper smile, "This is where you will be sent if you ever misbehave, or get a bad grade on anything, you understand?" The big chibi eyed boy nodded slowly to his mother, "Good, look how miserable those children are..." She gestured towards the room where screaming and cries of all of the newly admitted orphans were heard. All of which were forced to watch educational television non-stop because Watari was sick of tending to them. _

_Raito wandered away from his parents and happened across a room where there was no screams of pain or random screams of other... pain were heard._

_Suddenly, he saw him... A beautiful, onyx haired prodigy, slightly older than himself, rested in feathery soft bed built from the heavens. He gaped at him and a small gasp escaped from his lips.  
_

_The charcoal haired boy's eyes fluttered open and he directed his attention towards the fellow auburn haired boy. His eyes widened, "He's... beautiful!" was what ran through each boys' mind. _

_ They stared at each other for what seemed like forever. The brunette was suddenly drawn to the boy, he reached his bedside and lifted his hand, to caress the other boy's cheek. _

_The older boy closed his eyes as a light blush settled onto his cheeks. He grabbed his hand, intertwining it in his own and made it trail it's way down his neck and made its way down his chest. The brunette swung his legs onto the bed and straddled the boys hips. _

_Both the boys breathing rates sped up drastically, the brunette's hands traveled up and down the onyx hairs' chest, as the onyx haired boys' hands ran all over the boys back before he gripped it hard, arching in every different direction._

_They locked eyes and their faces started to close in, closer, closer, closer, their lips were mere millimeters apart when_

**!URGENT NEWS REPORT!: Mysterious seizure and foaming mouth incidents reported world wide. The cause is unknown, teenagers spazzing in front of computer screens... That is all...**

_Oh, and for those of you who want to know what happened, ... L sneezed..._

_-End of Flashback-_

L sat there, sipping more tea, "Ah, And that's the story of how I was born..."

All the orphans sat there, mortified, their innocence had been stripped from them in a matter of fifteen minutes... Mello and Matt on the other hand, sat there, drooling, Matt many tissues shoved up his nose, all of which had dried, crusting blood seeped into them.

The same obnoxious, annoying little pest from before shouts, "THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU SIT THAT WAY!" He screeched like a seagull on crack.

L burst out into tears, "It doesn't have to! I'm beautiful!"

Suddenly, from behind, there was a large flash of lightening and a 'BAM!' and a 'squee'

All the orphans got up and started running around, screaming. Why? Because Mello and Matt had stolen Near's clothes forced him to run around. ... Poor Near... It's not my fault Matt and Mello stole his clothes... -looks up innocently and smiles-

Devilangel123 bursts into the scene dramatically, "How did L ever start sitting in that strange manner? What was that noise from behind? Why Near still naked? Find out next time! ... Or, I'll just make another one... I'm tired... NOW GO AWAY!" D8

_A/N: No special authors' note for you! I had to write all of this randomness all for you people... Feel special damn it! -devilangel123 storms away-_

_-neko-mushin is on the ground dipping french fries into a milkshake, looks up- What she said..._

Kira Kira! -glitter flies everywhere-


	3. Chapter 3 Madness

_**News Flash: **__Dun, dun, dun, dun! –more random news music plays in the background-_

_-Man with blue polka shirt and glasses appears on screen, lightly rearranging papers-_

"_Hello everyone in the internet world..." _

_-random scream in background- "Yay internet! Yay! Yay~ Snape wins!" _

"_Well as the random scream in the background says, we have a specialtacular guest today..." –Snape is thrown on stage-_

"_Wh-what the hell? I was just minding my own business mixing potions and whatnot when a tentacle appeared outside of my tower and grabbed me! Oh the horror, the sheer slimy, sticky, sunction horror!!!" _

_-Snape is slapped with a pizza- "You're the suction whore! –is slapped again- "Fail for you Snape! You have been... demoted!" _

"_...Well anyways, as Snape cowers in fear and may be in need of rehabilitation, even though wizards in general need that... –random screaming person in backgrounds lolls- _

"_Aside from all of the nonsense" –Random screaming person shouts yay-_

_-Blue polka dotted shirt and glasses wearing man turns towards screaming random person- _

"_Would you shut up? I am trying to...." –punches random person in face and sits back down, all the while readjusting his glasses- _

"_Well, seeing as how the nuisance is gone... I would like to report that in the depths of the huckleberry bushes in California, resides a magical sharpie eating troll. Not only does he eat sharpies, but does he eat all other writing utensils! Even those pixilated drawing tools used in Microsoft paint! This is a serious matter that needs to be attended to seeing as how he has awakened and is on the run from the Bic company... That is all for now..." _

_-blue polka dotted shirt and glasses wearing man stands up and leaves and stops only to kick screaming random person-  
_

_-screaming random person awakes from unconsciousness shouting Pumpernickel Sandwiches!-_

_A/N: Now for the real author's note yet again... Read the fic, and review! Do it! DO IT! _

_Okay now seriously for the author's note. This chapter took a while to come up and it was all from hard work that this came up and.... Oh! Who am I kidding, I had no clue to write for this and just yesterday the little bunny with the scythe that steals things from your mind left for a trip to Ethiopia. So while he was away... I had to write like the wind. :B_

_Now, this chapter has a little bit of language in it, not saying any of the characters say anything but, if anyone is offended then... Oh well, just deal with it, it's a fic of randomness, you'll live. Not like your once innocent minds weren't tainted by something else by now. And if it did taint someone's mind then I have one thing to say... Welcome to the internet! Hope you enjoy your stay! :3 _

_Oh and one more thing! Cookie for anyone who figures out what exactly Raito is looking at, and I pretty sure you find what he's looking at, but where is it from I wonder? Hmm... :3  
_

_So read and review! XD  
_

CHAPTER 3

Life for Touta Matsuda wasn't all butterflies and muffins and donuts and bringing people cups of coffee and wearing the same color suit everyday... Oh no, there was much more going on in this detectives' mind, yes much more than anyone, could imagine. Not even Raito or L themselves could have guessed what immaculate horrors that ran through this man's mind.

And the only one who he could ever relate to was the infamous apple eater Ryuuk himself! Once Matsuda had touched the Death Note and could see Ryuuk those two got along as well as an old person with his hearing aid, if that made any sense at all whatsoever.

Yes, with every action he took there was something malicious in it. Like the other day for example, the Kira Investigation Task Force for their special codename, were sitting in their headquarters idly chatting who Kira's next victim would be.

Matsuda, being the overly enthuisiastic one, shouted, "Maybe it'll be the president of the United States!"

And with that thought in mind he began to laugh. Raito, who was sitting nearby, looked up, "What's so funny Matsuda?" He asked, the very essense of innocence etched into his features.

Matsuda stopped abruptly and craned his head upwards towards the brown haired angel. 'R-raito-kun is... worried... about me?' He thought, his chest exploding like a headless thanksgiving turkey spontaneously combusting into tiny tidbits of gravy seasoning... What a wonderful thought to be blessed with...

Matsuda stood there, drooling at the thought of exploding turkeys of joy when L walked into the room, disdainfully carrying a cup of cold tea.

Matsuda's eyes quickly scanned the figure in front of him as violent thoughts of evil and more evil cascaded through his mind. L however seemed oblivious to Matsuda's inner turmoil and quickly took a small sip of his tea before his face turned bright pink and he spit it out in the man's face and flung the cup behind him, which crashed into Aizawa's afro. Aizawa, himself, had not noticed what had happened. But the afro knew... Oh yes it did and it would not go without revenge against the sugar man himself... But that is a another story best saved for later...

The teacup incident had not gone unnoticed, Matsuda, the man of the hour himself was just about to say something when L interrrupted, "Matusuda! My hand seems to be empty of anything sweet and delicious. Fetch me something will you?"

The haired man looked to his seeming rival, images of salt and broccili fueling his mind with a mad sense of power, "Heh heh... right away Ryuuzaki-kun..." And he drifted away into the shadows plotting... things...

As Matsuda stalked away L went back to his work, only to have his train of thought whisked away by the slow murmurings coming from none other than Raito's computer.

"Take about five dozens eggs, start putting them into a bowl, mix the FUCK outta them, and what do you get?" The chef on the screen asked the two other people as they narrowed their eyes at each other.

Raito on the other hand had his arms crossed over his chest and a finger pressed to his chin, sweating profusely while muttering the words, "Yes? Yes?"

At this L saw another chance to flaunt his genius and slyly moved towards him, hitting the pause button on the screen, "Do you know, Raito-kun?"

Raito looked back to the man he was determined to kill, "No Ryuuzaki, what?"

"It's a bunch of scrambled eggs! Duh!!" L laughed, flicking Raito's face.

"Ugh, We'll see about that!"

"Indeed we shall..."

And with that they hit play, almost instantaniously being blown backwards by, "PENIS!!!"

On the screen it shot up towards the sky and through the clouds. The evil doctor himself was vaporized by such power from the chef himself. Raito and L sat there for a few more seconds, tying to register just what had happened.

Raito then reached over and tried to flick the sugar eating insomniac back, "Guess there are some things even you are wrong about, huh Ryuuzaki-kun?" He emphasized the ending suffix.

Unaware to them a figure holding an array of heavenly sugar products stood by. The figure enraged, grabbed a donut and flung it at the computer screen causing it to be smeared by the custardy goodness. The screen wept tears of oil and gasoline, only to be comforted by Mogi, who always had a deep interest, and by interest I mean obsession, in computers rather than people. Seeing as how he hadd defeated the the evil dragonkin Leroy Jekins and his cyber pals couldn't defeat in WoW with a lvl 80 merchant selling bananas...

L gave a high ptiched squeal and began frantically licking the dessert off the screen pushing Raito away who flew back and crashed ino his father, who in turn gave a girly scream of his own, thinking that the toothfairy had learned of his recent lost tooth, "It's not my time, please let me go!"

Just then the toothfairy itself came down riding a bunny of sparkles and whispered to him, "But Mr. Yagami, your dentures are of no value to me, so I am required to take... Your nosehairs by force with a pair of tweezers!"

Mr. Yagami screamed at the top of this lungs and passed out onto the floor and trail of blood leaking from his nose.

What happened to Mr. Yagami? Why is there a trail of blood leaking from his nose? What's with Aizawa's afro? Why am I asking all of you this? Why?

Tune in next time for the marvelous misadventures of L and Raito; teen adult computer programmers! Or maybe not... Boo endings...

_A/N:Okay, I'm done, forget this... I just couldn't think of anything and was in a major rut this whole entire time... So, forgiveness? Nah, forget it I'll live. Leave a review, a flame, anything! I dont' care anymore! -devilangel runs away crying tears of angst-_


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